None of The Vacation Gals have been to Australia, but it’s high on our bucket list. In fact, a week in Australia and a week in New Zealand is my current fantasy travel experience. It’s not going to happen, not anytime soon, anyway…but you know what they say (with apologies to Mick Jagger): We can’t always get what we want, but we can dream.
While we fantasize about our dream travel destinations, we can at least also learn about them, so as to not be idiots when we get there. Sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? I had to laugh when I saw these Frequently Asked Questions on Amazing Australia, a tour company and website. Some FAQs are not so frequently asked, but quite amusing nonetheless.
Q: Can I pick up my camper van in Auckland and drop it off in Darwin? – Belguim
A: Sure, take a ferry, change the registration plates from New Zealand to Australian, and find a way to calm down the people you rented it from when they hear where their vehicle has ended up.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? – UK
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? – USA
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking!
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? – Sweden
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water…
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? – Swedes
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? – USA
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? – USA
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? – USA
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? – USA
A: Aus-tra-li-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? – France
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? – USA
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? – UK
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? – Italy
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? – France
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? – Germany
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. – USA
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. – USA
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was in Kings Cross. Can you help? – USA
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? – USA
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
Some of these questions may be apocryphal – that is, not actually ever asked – but it’s fun to think they were. According to Snopes, my favorite myth-debunking site, lists of “cheeky answers to dumb tourist” questions have been making the rounds on the Internet for at least ten years. Thanks, Amazing Australia, for keeping your sense of humor intact (you gotta love a website that describes Australia as “even more amazinger than expected”). It’s great to see that in a travel website.
Loved this post, especially since I hitched hiked my way around Australia and New Zealand back in 1986, before the America’s Cup.
The people and the countries drew me in so much that I tried to get a job and never come home again but it was off season and I was out of luck and so I ended up in Aspen, not a bad second!
I got one! I got one!
A little town out in the bush, and a visitor asked why the railway station was so far out of town.
He was told, because they wanted it somewhere near the tracks.
OMG.. You gals make me LOL so early in the morning.
This is one of the funniest post from you.
Thanks for a great start this morning.
Australia is one of my top list as well. I hope to be able to visit in the near future while my cousin still lives there.
OMG this was too funny. I have to pass this on to a couple of people I know.
Thanks for sharing
This is a hoot. Hey, I used to work at The Albuquerque Tribune, and we had people calling the newsroom to ask if they had to have shots before “visiting New Mexico from the U.S.” Seriously.
too funny!! thanks for the laughs!!
Australia is closer than you think – only 13 hours from LA to Sydney. (It’s over 10 hours to London). Why not go?
A week in Australia and a week in New Zealand isn’t enough time to do either country. That’s like an Australian saying they want to spend a week in the US and a week in Canada. Slow down and take your time, see a bit and then go back for more.
Way too funny but secretly I’m keeping my fingers crossed the questions weren’t from any of The Trip Chicks’ travelers…Keep up the great posts, gals.
Ann
Ha ha ha! I just love that Swedish one (since I’m a Swede) that wanted to run around in the bushes!!!! Hilarious!!!
Thanks for my laugh for the day! Too funny. Now if the guy finds that girl he dated in Kings Cross, should he be naked when they reunite? Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Seriously, Australia and New Zealand are fabulous trips. Someday, when you’re children are finished with college (now wait, don’t despair, I know that’s a long time) plan separate trips to Australia and New Zealand. Each of them deserve your undivided attention.
[...] Australia and Stupid Tourist Questions: Should we bring cutlery? [Link: Andy Hayes] [...]
Let me know if you ever book that trip to Australia. I’m an Aussie living in Seattle, and would love to give you the scoop on the best places to visit. While I don’t like these questions, I love how you call out the stupidity of others!
I know a lot of Aussies now and they are quite bawdy, kind of like the world’s version of American Southerners but with more profanity (I’m a southerner). It kind of takes the romance and intrigue out of the idea of visiting the land down under.
This post made my day! Ha ha the Hippo Race was my favorite!
Hey CanCan,
Not all Aussies are bawdy – you need to go to Australia to see for yourself! We are definitely down to earth, but some of us even wear lace-up shoes! You’d be surprised! Aussies have a unique sense of humour, and we can laugh at ourselves!
I’ve lived overseas for 12 years(the last 8 in France) and can’t wait to go home in the next year or so.
When I was a kid we had an exchang student live with us for a year from Wisconsin. His Mom made him take Malaria pills before he came!!!LOL He told his friends he rode a kangaroo to school and they believed him!
Love it, this is just too funny and it could go on. Thanks gals!
You gals crack me up!
If any of your readers are planning a trip to Australia, I’ve been there twice and I wrote up a handy reference for families planning to visit Down Under after my last trip. You can find it here: http://wandermom.com/travel/sydney-with-kids/