None of The Vacation Gals have been to Australia, but it’s high on our bucket list. In fact, a week in Australia and a week in New Zealand is my current fantasy travel experience. It’s not going to happen, not anytime soon, anyway…but you know what they say (with apologies to Mick Jagger): We can’t always get what we want, but we can dream.
While we fantasize about our dream travel destinations, we can at least also learn about them, so as to not be idiots when we get there. Sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? I had to laugh when I saw these Frequently Asked Questions on Amazing Australia, a tour company and website. Some FAQs are not so frequently asked, but quite amusing nonetheless.
Q: Can I pick up my camper van in Auckland and drop it off in Darwin? – Belguim
A: Sure, take a ferry, change the registration plates from New Zealand to Australian, and find a way to calm down the people you rented it from when they hear where their vehicle has ended up.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? – UK
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? – USA
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking!
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? – Sweden
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water…
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? – Swedes
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? – USA
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? – USA
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? – USA
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? – USA
A: Aus-tra-li-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? – France
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? – USA
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? – UK
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? – Italy
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? – France
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? – Germany
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. – USA
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. – USA
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was in Kings Cross. Can you help? – USA
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? – USA
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
Some of these questions may be apocryphal – that is, not actually ever asked – but it’s fun to think they were. According to Snopes, my favorite myth-debunking site, lists of “cheeky answers to dumb tourist” questions have been making the rounds on the Internet for at least ten years. Thanks, Amazing Australia, for keeping your sense of humor intact (you gotta love a website that describes Australia as “even more amazinger than expected”). It’s great to see that in a travel website.